With TV shows like ‘Love on the Spectrum’ entering the mainstream, there is gradual public awareness and interest in autistic dating experiences and how autistic people navigate romantic relationships. Due to a lack of research in this area, and the tendency to overlook individual nuances within the autistic population, there remains a sweeping misconception that autistic people just don’t date, let alone form long-lasting romantic relationships.
Like many other autistic stereotypes out there, this cannot be further from the truth. This is not to say that all autistic people date or all of us date in a similar way. Just like the non-autistic and wider neurotypical population, autistic people have varying degrees of experiences when it comes to dating, which are often intertwined with differences in sexual orientation, gender identification and various relationship structure preferences. Autistic people do date and can form successful long-lasting romantic relationships – if this is what an individual chooses. However, there are certain aspects of dating that autistic people find tricky to navigate. This is often because we are trying to form relationships in our own way within a dating world that is influenced by neurotypical standards.
So what are aspects of dating that autistic people find tricky to navigate?
Autistic Stigma and Discrimination
As autistic individuals, we often grapple with the choice between disclosing or concealing our identity. It’s essential to recognise that we hold no obligation to disclose being autistic, particularly to those we might not encounter beyond an initial date. In reality, disclosing our brain type prematurely can potentially render us vulnerable and at risk.
If the person we ‘swipe right’ for is a decent human being, they should like us for being ‘ourselves’; but being ourselves is intrinsically linked to being autistic – we can’t “leave the autism” at home! Neither do we need to suppress our stims, change our tone of voice, or hide special interests to appear ‘socially desirable’ under neurotypical standards. As a result, we are faced with a dilemma: do we risk our safety and open-up about our autistic identity in the hopes that the other person is accepting and understanding of autism? Or do we mask our autistic traits to get through the first couple of dates and do the ‘big reveal’ when we get a better idea of how the other person might react?
Personally, I have done both and neither ended with a desirable outcome. This dating hurdle can exacerbate internalised stigma within an autistic person, impact their self-esteem and heighten anxiety – not the best combination! Autistic LGBTQIA people may even face additional stigmatisation by being part of a multiple minority, where they have minority status in terms of neurotype and sexual identity. This is also those case for other autistic people with multiple stigmatised identities.
Closely relating to stigma is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) which can affect autistic and ADHD people when dating. RSD is the overwhelming emotional sensation in response to an actual or perceived rejection or criticism. This can manifest in low mood and self-esteem as well as social anxiety. Rejection while dating is a given, for neurodivergent people and neurotypicals a like; however, due to societal stigma, a neurodivergent person may experience more rejection while dating, particularly if we choose not to or are not skilled enough at masking our traits ‘effectively’.
Navigating Social Cues
They don’t call it a ‘dating game’ for nothing! Dating as an autistic person is a confusing experience, much like a video game we are playing without any instructions. This is partly down to dating being heavily reliant on the use and interpretation of social cues. Research from Mogavero and Hsu found that autistic people struggle to read subtle social signals other people send to try to indicate that they are either interested or not interested in us. These cues are important when knowing when your advances are unwelcome or when someone is flirting with you.
Among these findings, autistic women reported to ‘lacking a map’ of how dating is supposed to go and did not flirt because it was ‘hard work’, cognitively. Not being able to accurately read others’ intentions, coupled with the tendency for autistic people to be overly trusting can have negative repercussions. We may try to flirt with someone who has absolutely no interest in us. On the flip side, we may unwittingly encourage romantic and sexual advances from others who we have no interest in. The latter is particularly dangerous as autistic people have an increased risk of sexual victimisation.
Confusing Dating Rules and Unclear Relationship Labels
Autistic people use and appreciate direct communication. I mean, really direct as in, “I like you and want to date you”. For some reason, this is not really how neurotypical dating works – which is more like a cat and mouse chase for 3 months until one person ‘gets the hint’ that the other is into them and then a ‘relationship’ is magically formed. Clear, honest communication and agreeing on mutually beneficial expectations is also valued within polyamory and ethical non-monogamy (ENM). These relationships styles, which allows for consensual romantic and sexual relationships between two or more partners, tend to be appealing for autistic people since there is less room for ambiguity (Gratton, 2019).
Autistic Sensory Sensitivities
Being hypersensitive to touch, smell and other sensory stimulation can be overwhelming for autistic people. Unfortunately, typical ‘go to’ dates for most people tend to be noisy bars and restaurants with lots of people – an autistic nightmare! This can make first dates uncomfortable as we are often too stimulated by our environment to pay attention to the conversation we are having with a date.
Despite these dating hurdles, there are many autistic people actively dating and forming loving relationships. But how can the dating experience be improved for autistic people?
Research from Yew and colleagues found that it is not about improving autistic people’s communication skills and teaching them how to date like neurotypical people. Rather, it is about teaching them to value their needs, implement strong boundaries, identify what could potentially be dangerous situations and get a better handle on potential outcomes of how coming out as autistic to someone you are dating.
Online dating has also been found to be effective for some autistic people as they are able to share information upfront, process conversations at their own pace and avoid triggering sensory environments. Another solution would be for everyone, whatever our neurotype, to practice transparency, clear communication and intentions while dating – but I think this one has a long way go!
At Autistic Thoughts, we provide a range of tailored solutions to support autistic individuals, fostering the most nurturing environment. We are committed to carefully selecting mentors and counsellors who genuinely empathise with your unique experiences, enabling us to delve into topics like dating and relationships together. You’re welcome to schedule a complimentary consultation with us to discuss your specific needs in depth. Alternatively, if you prefer not to initiate a direct conversation at this moment, you can reach out via message, and our team will promptly respond to your inquiries.
